Unraveling The Tangle

Every step of Evelyn's journey is outwardly expressing the internal journey she is on. It makes sense that she has found herself immersed by mother nature, being taken deep into a forest that she didn't know existed. Just like the beautiful mess of her heart, the branches and vines are tangled beneath a thick canopy blocking out the light. Just like the pain of her past, the trees stand tall, deeply rooted in the ground. Just like the smell of the oxygen-thick air, it is all too fresh in her mind. She does not realise that by every step she takes she is subconsciously agreeing to clear out the forest-like mess until her heart can be seen bright as day once more. But the real healing comes when we start to ask questions.

How can I be living in darkness,

When the light is all around me?

Like feeling alone

In a room full of people.

Is that all it is-

A feeling... thoughts in my head?

Do I really have the power to change that?

Do I have the courage to choose to?

Can I?

Should I?

Will I?

What's In A Name?

I think names are very important. Especially in fiction. They encapsulate in a word so much about a person. It is for this reason that I have struggled so much in deciding a name for our deuteragonist. I gave him the name David for its popularity, but have come to realise that his character requires something far more aberrant and peculiar. Not only does the name need to appear in this way, but the meaning behind the name needs to fit who he is and what he stands for.

I'm currently using Shaphan (Shay-fen) and seeing how I like it. Javan only lasted a day, and Elah is to come next should Shaphan not work out. I'm just not entirely satisfied. None of them really jump out at me and scream "Perfect!" Not that a name has the capacity to do that, but one can only hope...

Evelyn, however, would scream "Perfect!" if it could. It's an oxymoron for our protagonists current existence. It means "life, living, lively", but really she is a living death by her inequity. The hope is that by being made for life, she will find it- in the sense of being truly alive and free.

What's in a name?

Oh a rose, a rose.

Who is to blame?

The creator I spose.

Or perhaps the creator is not to blame,

For the suffering caused by the name?

But does it really matter who knows

The blame of the name, a rose, a rose?

Backstory

It is strange (and feels wasteful) to write a backstory to the story, with full knowledge that no one else will ever read it. But it is integral to the success of "getting the characters right". Even little things like a conversation that Evelyn doesn't hear directly but is given a recount of from one persons point of view. Because it would be too easy to just write a book. But to write a really good book without holes and that is believable... well, these things take time. So much time, in fact, that I was dreaming when I first had the goal of finishing before the end of high school. Several years down the track and I'm still going, but I'm not complaining, I'm loving having a backstage pass to Evelyn's world.

Now, whilst sin is sin, for a person to act in spite of God has got to be worse, right? Evelyn in her recklessness and lack of care for herself has quite knowingly gone against everything she believes in, hiding her face from the only One that can wash it clean. Now she suffers the consequences as the thicket of her darkness weighs down heavily on her heart. 

Lord, You are my King.

Ashamed am I in Your sight.

You see everything,

And I fear my life is not right.

I've been trying desperately to hide,

Running rather than colliding.

I'd much rather pretend it weren't bona-fide.

For fear of pain residing.

Hope In You

Hope, or there lack of, seems to be a recurring theme within Evelyn's outlook on life. She has utterly given up on the idea of happiness, or more appropriately, peace for herself. Hope is an amazing gift that we have been given. It provides us with the strength to carry on. It's no small wonder that Evelyn has stopped "carrying on" so to speak.

 Hope is a choice,

Peace is a result.

Belief. Trust. Faith-

Words that mean nothing without action.

We can, of course, choose the opposite

And encounter the destruction of that choice.

Hope is a choice,

Peace is its result.

Worthy

I read in scripture once that "none are righteous, no not one". Then one day another scripture contradicted it by saying that we are "worthy of so much more". It really confused me, and made me question whether I was worthy enough to know Jesus or not. This reminds me of Evelyn's latest antics: "My eyes darted anywhere but at his, like I was not worthy to see his face" and her struggle to see, accept, and work through her past mistakes.

Find in me a contrite heart.

For a long time I was living in deceit, in the dark.

I was sneaking among the shadows.

Paranoia found its place in me.

My back was never far from sight.

But I could not hide even in the black of night.

It was like a spotlight fixated on me.

I stood out like daybreak.

There was to be no more hiding.

The truth is safer anyway.

We wait for her to realise that the spotlight is on her, and see how she may react. Because, after all, God has given us the amazing, yet terrifying gift of freedom of choice. We can choose to grow and move forward, or we can choose to stay in the grief of our past forever.

Slippery Slope

Excuses are a cowards way of pushing the blame onto something or someone else.

Because of my wounds
If I didn't do it, he said he'd...
But I'm not as bad as her 

Evelyn certainly sees her part in her actions- and the ugliness of the results. Her real issue, however is that her greater excuse lies in why chooses not change. 

She is stuck in the slippery slope of her transgressions. Evelyn honestly does not believe that she has the strength to say no, to choose another path, to fight the upward battle. Quite rightly, she doesn't. It's not something that a person can easily do alone, and yet she chooses to rely on herself, failing dismally. She believes she will keep failing, and it's the reason that she does.

The strength that would be required

To fight off that spider…

Its web is sticky and I am stuck.

But not for long.

It’s one of those things

That cannot be done alone.

But You can help me,

I just have to ask.

That’s half the struggle.

I was happy

Evelyn acts as if she believes that things will always be as they are. As if she has no power to change her circumstances. And she ruins any chance at happiness. She has only a sliver of hope, not allowing herself to get too excited over something, just in case the bubble is burst.

As she puts it, "I was happy. Then the happiness ended." It is almost like life is something just to be endured.

Anguish and tears fill my heart, fill my life,

It hurts too much to bare.

To run would be cowardice

To step closer would be foolhardy

There is only one choice; to stand my ground-

The place where the pain is most intense.

It is excruciating, unbearable, never-ending.

And my heart dies just a little...