Indescribable

Some emotions, I've come to discover, cannot be described. We use metaphors and similes to attempt to speak aloud what is going on inside, yet always fall short in our comparisons. Oh the complexity of being a human! Such things are particularly hard to accomplish when I am trying to keep my readers in the dark and surprise them with small pieces of the story along the way to keep them interested...

Two vacant rooms stare back at me.

The lights are on but no one is home.

These lights they appear unchanging:

Dim like lit kindling, yet unable to draw a flame.

Look no further and it may seem a happy place,

But to venture on will be found something contrary.

Yet none look further; they see what they wish.

If just one would, maybe then it would change. 

Words or there lack of

It could well just be the fact that I haven't written in some time, or perhaps my mind recovering from the roller coaster ride I've taken it on for the past few months. Whatever it is, it's left me stuttering to find the right words. I've found myself on countless occasions of late, stumbling and um-ing and ah-ing before someone chimes in with the words I was trying to put together in my brain. It's transpired onto paper as well and I've found myself somewhat wordless. So, I'm sorry to say, no prose today. But they say "a picture is worth a thousand words" so here's hoping that this will suffice:

10 points to anyone who can guess what it is...

Hiding

As the years carry on, I'm starting to see just how true Ecclesiastes 3:1-8 is. That with each season of life, it brings with it different emotions. That a person changes with these seasons. Things are revealed about them that were not known previously. It makes me think that, if we are not careful in our seasons, life's opportunities will pass us by. It makes me think of Georgia Fair's song Real Man Hiding "...my hair grows thin you know, but I've grown no more wise..."

The words seem to be sprayed

With little care.

‘Cause if there were,

Then no words would they share.

Avert my eyes

For fear and doubt.

Avert my heart

To keep the world out.

Bury my head,

Shut my mind.

Close the doors,

Lock the blind.

In a small huddle

We will pull through.

Time it will pass, yet

There’s nothing we can do.

emptiness

Pronunciation:/ˈɛm(p)tɪnɪs/

noun

[mass noun]

• 1 the state of containing nothing:the vast emptiness of space

It looks something like this:

Those times when the party is over- everything is packed up and all the people are gone; those times when I'm home alone; those times when I've no place to go. Yes, it is those times that I feel empty inside; those times where I try so hard to turn to God for fulfillment. Not always do I feel His presence, His providence, His love. Yet I wait in trust.

I feel He is shaping me in my patience. That the longer I wait, the easier it gets. I wonder if there is a tipping point... I hope not.

The art of waiting upon God is not something that comes over night- especially if you are not on speaking terms with Him. Evelyn has many nights to endure yet.

The waves continue to roll.

Day and night they go in and out.

Give a little, get a little.

It all works out in the end.

I shall follow the lead of the creations before me.

Keep on keeping on 'til I can no longer keep on.

And when I can no longer, but lay my head to rest,

For my keeping on, may I be well blessed.

Predestination

Okay, so I have a confession to make. I didn't actually know until seven days ago, that the Catholic Church does not support the idea of predestination. I had thought it was up to our own interpretation and I was leaning towards the "destiny" side of the scale. So, naturally, my world has been turned upside down in this last week and I've had to reconsider a lot of things- in my own life, and in Evelyn's.

The only thing that is certain is that we have freedom of choice, and I've found that I've had to go back to that foundation and work from there.

Let us consider, for instance, the scenario of a woman praying for her future husband. God knows who these prayers are for because God is outside of time and already knows who she will choose. But that's exactly it: she has to choose who he will be. Perhaps she has many choices. Perhaps there is not just "one perfect man" for her.

Then there is the knowledge that God has said He has plans for our lives- perfect plans (Jeremiah 29:11), but it is a matter of whether or not we choose to follow those plans. That there are many roads that we could travel, but one road in particular is better than the others.

So, now, I guess it is my choice that when I come to a crossroad in my life, that I would seek out His perfect plan, and then choose whether to follow it or not.

Choosing choices,

Hear those voices.

Lead me, guide me-

Walk beside me.

Take some time,

Don't wait for sublime.

Speak! -Don't speak!

But I am weak!

Please, I beg- Oh!

Don't say no.

But then to say yes-

Oh what a mess...

You clock, won't you slow? 

Do not worry, I will go.

No! Tick a little faster.

It's you, you're the disaster.

Okay, I surrender.

Treat me tender.

Actually, I change my mind-

I will wait for the other one, blind.

Crossroads

Have you ever entertained the idea that perhaps the world around you doesn’t actually exist? Like that it all may be in your head? I’m thinking A Beautiful Mind... The Matrix...

I think we take our existence for granted.

I mean, let’s think about this for a second, what proof do we actually have? Perhaps we’re kidding ourselves, or perhaps there’s a huge amount of trust involved, but I guess we don’t have much choice, do we?

If we did come to the conclusion that what we see, experience, and feel each day isn’t real, then what could we actually do about it? What would you do? Would you cast aside your newfound belief or would you dare to uncover the truth, even if it meant your entire world as you knew it would come crashing down?

Evelyn is at a crossroads. Which road will she take? I don't think she even knows it... because you know what? I don't even know it, and I made her. I find myself asking "Where do I want her to go?" But I guess the better question is "Where would Evelyn choose to go?"

Indeed, where would Evelyn choose to go?

Winter

Winter. It is at our doorstep. It doesn't knock politely or ring the doorbell once. No, it doesn't even wait for the door to be opened- it finds any nook or cranny, any hole you hadn't noticed or were too lazy to fix. It seeps through, quite unnoticed, until the chill reaches your skin and runs down your spine. Then you start to notice the walls, the floor- they become your enemy, unable to defend the battle line as they too allow the cold to surround you. There is no escape, no warmth to be found and you feel as though you might suffocate from the intensity of it all... Winter is cold in more ways than one.

Not only is it cold, but dark too. A sinister, foreboding darkness of nothing good to follow. Winter is the enemy. It gets all the blame. It takes all the blame. But it doesn't care. It will continue to haunt you, year after year. It waits in the shadows, like a fox, licking its chops, ready to pounce at just the right moment.

Yet some winters are colder than others. And Evelyn is about to enter into her coldest and darkest.