A lot of people have asked me if the main character in my book is based on myself. I've been safely saying "no" for six years now. But I'm starting to see my own life emerge in her life. Situations, personalities, attitudes... But her story is about her, not me, I convince myself. And yet the feelings I experienced at certain moments in my life is all too similar to the feelings she is experiencing in her life. I guess the difference is the experiences themselves. I've never been through what she has been through. And I'm glad for it!
Anyway, back to the risk. I'm going to share with you a part of my life that was hard to face. It happened a very long time ago and I feel at peace about it now. However, it is awfully interesting how Evelyn is taking upon the same emotions as I did...
Ok. Breathe. Here goes:
And I find myself thinking about him again.
His face creeps back into my mind.
But I push it away.
I cannot face it, not today of all days.
It's too much for me to handle.
Too much for me to bear.
I am not strong enough yet.
And there is nothing to hold me up
No one to lean on.
I cannot do this on my own.
And I start to wonder if I will ever be strong enough
To stand on my own.
To face it without crumbling, cracking, flaking away in the sun.
I cringe at the thought,
And in my mind, run away and hide.
I wasn't strong enough then, I am not now.
Oh will I ever be?
Now, that wasn't so hard, was it?
Accept it my dear
ReplyDeleteThat you gave
A part of yourself away
Why are you so scared
When we find hope
And courage in what you say
You are our shining star
Please don't hide
Or run away
In Love we burn
As a fire on a cold night
To give warmth and light; we pray
That never may these bonds be shaken
Yet in our hearts we know
To Love is to lose ourselves
To give ourselves away...
And certainly that is what I have done. Such a shame that I cannot have those pieces of myself back... to one day give to my husband. It's what makes me so sad for my past and those around me where I know they have experienced similar things.
ReplyDeleteWe are so willing to love in the off-chance that we may receive love. Isn't God incredible for the way He has created us... If only we would all realise that this receptiveness to love is meant for Him first.
Did you write that, by the way?
I've only known you for a short while yet but I can say that the one who receives you into his life will be one very fortunate person. So please don't feel sad about the past. In the process of healing others, you have healed yourself too. You're a very special person.
ReplyDeleteI have never had a relationship yet but I left the matter unto Him since end of school. Last year was the closest I ever got to starting a relationship but thats exactly when I realised what you have said: "If only we would all realise that this receptiveness to love is meant for Him first".
For years, my heart had been saying to me "The life that you have, is not your own". Now I am starting to realise what that means. Its about God's Love. Its about understanding the bigger picture before He lets that special person into our lives.
And yes, I did write the earlier one as a reply to yours :)
I guess the worst part about it is that we are so eager to give our heart away, but it is that which is so hard to get back.
ReplyDelete