Let me choose for myself

Shaphan's demeanor is that of someone full of certainty. His is self-assured in all he does. Then, in all his humanness, he pushes his self-assurance to become defiant; stubborn that he is right. The mistake throws the balance of Evelyn's world. It reveals a part of Shaphan that I, and Evelyn, did not realise was so extreme. Suddenly Evelyn treats him with wariness. She treads carefully around him, not knowing what to expect. The messed up part is that she knows that he is right. But it is because she doesn't want him to be right that she resists.

Let me choose for myself.

Let me make the mistake.

Give me a chance to live for myself.

Give me a time to change alone.

Leave me be! I internally cry.

But outwardly I allow the push.

I can do it! I defy.

Yet instead I suppress the child inside.

By the winter -persistent and strong-

The tree is forced into hibernation.

By the spring nudging it along

The flower is told its time is come.

To live a life by its own choosing:

If not even nature has a chance...

To have a life that's not worth losing:

Oh surely, what chance have I?

Loneliness

You've probably heard this before: "feeling alone in a room full of people." You've probably felt it too. Perhaps though, you are fine throughout your busy day while the people mill around. Perhaps you are fine even, as you prepare yourself for bed at night. But it is then, as you lay beneath your warm covers, that it hits you like a cold patch under the blanket. You not only are alone, but you feel alone too.

Where is the remedy? To invite others into your bed? Hardly. It would only make the hole inside you gape wider. So, where is the remedy? A pet? No. They only stifle the loneliness, helping you to believe it isn't there. But it is. So. Where is the remedy? They say that God should be our comfort. But what about when you don't feel His comfort? What about when His flickering presence isn't enough. OH! Where is the remedy?!

The truth is that none can fill this hole but He. Try as we might with people, possessions, ideals, we fill up this hole of loneliness until we don't feel so alone anymore. Eventually, however, these things crumble and we are left feeling even more alone then when we started.

Perhaps the answer is persistence: seeking His comfort to the point of living in the knowledge of His comfort until eventually we begin to allow ourselves to experience it.